If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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