sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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