You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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