just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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