My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Randomize
