Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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