Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
