he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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