nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
