I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Randomize
