everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
