My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
