We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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