I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
