I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I didn't notice because vodka
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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