I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
