I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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