He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
