I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
We had to coat check the pizza.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
They left me at home... I'm a liability
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
