i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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