Did you just see the Batmobile???
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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