Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
