my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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