We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
