He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
