The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
