I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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