yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
