We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
