she kept yelling 'call me bella'
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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