The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I think your dad took our porno
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
