question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
