I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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