it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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