I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
