I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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