on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
