just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
