just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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