my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
