For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
