Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
