My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
