i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Randomize
