p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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