Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
