i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
