I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
So squirting runs in the family.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
