waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
