Me. At least after what I've been through.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
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