if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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