If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
