I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
