alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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