I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
