you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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